Santa forced to evacuate North Pole


Santa forced to evacuate North Pole

Dec 25, 2008 2 min read

Former Distinguished Fellow

Ernest served as a Distinguished Fellow at the Heritage Foundation.

Evacuation operations continue at the North Pole, as Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, their reindeer and an estimated 5,000 elves are being relocated due to global warming to a secure but undisclosed location.

The forcible removal began shortly after Santa lifted off from the North Pole Airport on Christmas Eve as the United Nations Intervention Team , or UNIT, moved in unannounced even while Rudolph's red nose was still dwindling in the distance as Santa's sleigh headed south.

"The only way to save future Christmases was to evacuate the toymakers and Mrs. Claus and to re-locate operations before the ice melts," said Nobel Laureate Al Gore, who was on the scene with a camera crew for the occasion. The footage will be included in Gore's new documentary, "An Inconvenient But Jolly Old Elf"

Gore added that he asked his followers among international scientists to determine whether Santa Claus really exists, and expressed confidence that they will. "They believe in global warming," he said, "so believing in Santa Claus is easy."

When Santa, his sled and reindeer returned to the North Pole, exhausted, drowsy and overdosed on milk and cookies, they were taken into custody by blue-helmeted gnomes. His elves previously had been herded into ships provided by Greenpeace and swiftly removed to an American port. Upon landing, they were met by dockworkers who quickly surrounded them and persuaded most of the elves to sign pledge cards to join the longshoremen's union.

Before he was permitted to see anyone else, Santa was herded into a ship's infirmary for a check-up by public health doctors "It's just as we feared," said the lead physician. "All that milk and cookies has raised his cholesterol well above acceptable levels. We've asked New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg to help the United Nations propose a new tax on all Christmas treats, excepting of course nonfat milk and diet cookies. It's for Santa's own good."

Observers confirmed that Santa was red with anger and threatened to retire. Said one onlooker:

His cheeks were like roses and his nose like a cherry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the heat of his anger was as white as the snow.

It was unclear who would have the power to appoint a replacement, but several governors volunteered to accept responsibility for picking a successor to Santa. Said one, "You don't get many opportunities like this. Appointing a senator is worth a lot. But choosing a new Santa Claus? Priceless!"

Caroline Kennedy volunteered to become the first female Santa Claus, saying, "After all, I may have neglected to vote, but I've never missed a Christmas."

President-elect Barack Obama confirmed that a special federal bailout is being considered to subsidize the relocation of Santa's North Pole operations. An estimated figure is $250 billion. "Yes, this money will be borrowed, will contribute to our national debt, and will ultimately be repaid by our children and grandchildren. But that's only fair, because they're the ones who are getting most of the toys anyway."

"This would be our biggest stimulus package since the interstate system known as the Louisiana Purchase."

"Only a Grinch would say no to this," said Obama. Republican congressional leaders could not be reached for comment.

Detroit also volunteered to become the new capital of toy manufacturing, as auto assembly plants would be re-tooled to make toys. "The only problem," commented one Michigan representative, "is that next year Santa would have to deliver the toys by flying commercial."

Others in Congress are quietly discussing merging Santa's operations with the federal government as part of the bailout. Said one key Senate staffer, not for attribution, "We already have so many federal giveaway programs, so this is just a natural extension."

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